what's grosser than gross? this story. do not read if you're squeamish.

Saturday afternoon Adam took Porter on a walk before we went to dinner at my brother & Michelle's house. (This is not a cute story, so today he's "Porter", not "Doodles") When he got back home, he told me all about how Porter had found, and subsequently ate a dead bird. Since it was already dark out, Adam had no idea what he was in for when he tried to fish out of Porter's mouth whatever it was that Porter was eating. Even though he realized there were feathers dangling from Porter's mouth, he furthered tried to retrieve the dead bird from his jaws, because "he had already touched it at that point". EWWWWW! He finally gave up and Porter gulped it down.

But wait, it gets grosser than that.

Later, at Bucky & Michelle's house, Porter started to make pre-vomiting noises, and if any of you have pets, you know exactly what that sound is. Unfortunately, I had forgotten all about the dead-bird incident, so after Porter vomited, and I very foolishly looked over to see how bad it was, I saw a lump of brownish-black muck. Yes, Porter had vomited up his dead bird.

Michelle went running out of the room, I wasn't about to help Honey clean up that mess, and I think even Bucky had to leave the room, too. Now, I'm not overly squeamish, but I cannot deal with a dead bird and then the dead bird's return.

This morning, after I had forgotten all about the disgusting incident, Adam brought it up out of the blue. He shook his head in dismay and said ~ I can't believe you all are about to have children. Like he's not. Bucky & Michelle, by the way are due November 26th. I had to remind Honey that there is a difference between poopy diapers & baby spit-up and dead birds, and cleaning up dead bird vomit is where I draw the line.

I told you Porter would eat anything.

two totally random shots

One day ages ago, when Porter still drank from his puppy water bowl & not from the toilet where he leaves drippings on the toilet seat for me to sit on when I go pee for the hundredth time that day (and before I painted all of our trim white), I noticed something floating in Porter's water dish and HORROR! It appeared as though we had not only developed a mouse problem, but we had a mouse suicide on our hands. But wait! It was just one of Riley-cat or Mendy's toys, and it went from THE WORST THING EVER to being really quite funny. And you know I had to take a picture of it.

This photo of Honey & I at our friend Brady & Colleen's wedding last June is here for purely vain purposes.

I'm feeling pale & frumpy & hate hate hate my current haircut, and don't we look cute & happy in this photo? So relaxed.

I am definitely growing my hair back out.

doodles will eat anything

So in the spirit of getting back to blogging, which really is quite therapeutic for me, I'm going to try to post a little something everyday ~ even if it's just a photo. Or at the very least, I will try not post once a month :) My apologies in advance for those of you who don't think Doodles is as adorable as I do. Honey says it's the ears, but I think it's all in the eyes.

We have learned that Doodles will eat just about anything. Once he was begging for my mexican food, so I gave him a taste of salsa. He didn't care for it, but it also didn't teach him to not beg. Earlier in my pregnancy, I was having lemon cravings; couldn't get enough of lemons. One night, I even spent a ridiculous amount of money on fresh lemons to make lemonade. Lemonade that I had to hand-squeeze because I don't own a juicer but I HAD to have fresh squeezed lemonade. FYI, Doodles doesn't care for lemons, but man, was the look on his face priceless!

He does love fruit, though. Apples, which you can see him eating here, nectarines, peaches, satsuma oranges. We never ever feed him from the dinner table because that will only make the begging worse. It's bad enough that he rests his cute little head on the table & watches as we eat, his eyebrows raised & his sad eyes moving back & forth between Honey & I.

I gave him a Sweetart from leftover Halloween candy, and he loved that. Oh, and he used to eat his own poo when he was a puppy, but thank goodness he outgrew that. And he used to eat "almond roca" from the kitty litter, also when he was a tiny puppy. Magically, after we had him neutered, the poo-eating behavior stopped. Has anyone else experienced that?

Since I started my new job, the only thing I really miss about my old job is that I can't take Doodles to work with me. There is a dog in the office next door and he sometimes wanders in, which makes me happy but also makes me miss Doodles a little more. Instead, he gets to have fun at my mom & Mike's, aka Doggie Day Care, where he gets to play all day with their dog Sadie & my brother's dog Kona, who also goes to Doggie Day Care. I'm sure Doodles would be just fine if we left him home during the day, but he'd be bored out of his mind. As long as he behaves himself at my mom's & learns to not jump & down on their couch (I don't know where this behavior comes from!), I hope mom & Mike will continue to let him come over to play.

still here

Hello, my dear internet friends. Honey googled me one day & finally found my blog. He reminded me that I haven't written since the 4th of October. He also said good job for not trashing him on the internet, and that in the future when I'm pissed at him, I should read my blog since I portray him in such good light. Indeed, Honey has been a prince during these last 2 months of hormone hell. At any rate, not only have I not written for at least a month, but I haven't even been reading about what all you fabulous people have been up to. I'm sure you've been creating your hearts out, have been preparing for the holiday season, and have dressed your kids up as various animals and cartoon characters. I'm sure one day soon, once I've closed a few loops (that was for Jerusalem's benefit), I'll sit & read for hours & smile at your lovely lives.

Anyway, catching up starting backwards, today we had our first snowfall of the sesaon. Normally, the first snowfall is mixed rain & snow, and lasts a very short while. But today it snowed all day, accumulating about 4 inches at our house. Doodles was pleased.

I also got my first issue of Victoria ~ horray! Well, not my first issue, of course, but you know what I mean. AND, Honey got his drivers license today! Yes, my 26 year old husband finally is licensed to drive. After moving here from California in 1999, he lived downtown & worked downtown. We have the same work schedule, so when we bought our house in the "valley", we drove into town together. And even though we don't talk much during our 15-20 minute commute (ha!), other than the occasional commentary on an NPR news tidbit, I really love that we have that time together. Anyway, Honey still maintains he does not want his license & that he only got it because I got pregnant & he had to. I don't care ~ he got his license, and you have no idea how big of a milestone this is in our lives. There are countless people who have hounded him on my behalf for years, and even though he says he's not happy he got his license, he was thinking of who he should call to tell. How cute is that?!

Weekend before last, I went to Seattle for a few days to see my girl Tanya. I was in such a bad state of mind that she & my sweet mama bought me a plane ticket to get the hell out of here & escape my life for a few days. Tanya & I stayed in a fancy hotel downtown, I got my haircut which I unforunately hate, I bought maternity clothes courtesy of my Aunt Georgia, ate orange beef at my most favorite Seattle restaurant, Shanghai Garden, had a really nice visit with Aunt Georgia, my cousin Tony, his wife Lisa & their precious little baby Lucas, and went to a spa. If you find yourself in Seattle, I highly recommend a day at Ummelina's. The smells alone are worth it. Mmmm, lavender....

We got manicures & massages, and while we waited for our treatments, we got a foot soak. The manicure was like a massage in itself. I was lying down, & before actually doing my nails, she massaged my arms & hands. I slipped into a relaxed state of being that rarely happens. Even my massage, as lovely as it was, wasn't as relaxing as my manicure.

I'm now at about 13 weeks, 14 weeks if you go by my date of conception & not by the ultrasound measurements. This photo is at 11 (12) weeks. I've been taking self-portraits, so I'm a little twisted. My belly has grown considerably, especially after a big dinner. It actually looks small to me in this photo. I still fight the urge to suck it in, but mostly I'm like, why bother? I had been squishing myself into jeans that I could barely squish myself into, fastening them closed with a rubberband. Honey would say to me, ummm, your zipper's down. I would respond with MY ZIPPER DOESN'T GO UP ANY FARTHER! It felt really comfortable to finally have some maternity jeans & let it all hang out.

More importantly, my hormones have finally leveled out. And can I just say, THANK GOD. The past two months I've been in the worst kind of hell. I was so completely miserable and I honestly didn't think I would survive my pregnancy. I have decided that if I'm on anti-anxiety/depression meds again, and if we ever get pregnant again, I cannot go off them until the 2nd trimester. I am not equipped to handle the hormonal changes, and it's not fair to Honey to put him through that again, either. The weird thing is, even though this was all in the very recent past, it's hard to remember just how badly I felt. And there really aren't words, anyway. I'm thankful now that I can start to enjoy my pregnancy, whereas as recently as 3 weeks ago, it was merely something that was destroying my life & my sanity. At the time, the only positive I could think of was that I had cleavage for the first time in my life. It pained me that I was so unhappy about what was supposed to be the most beautiful thing I'd ever experience. And even worse, there was a teensy part of me that didn't want to be pregnant & knowing that if I did miscarry, I'd never have the strength to do this again. Intellectually, I knew I was incredibly lucky to be pregnant, especially when there are so many women who are desperate for a child & can't conceive. I would see a husband & wife with a baby & I'd know I wanted that, & that's what got me through the craziness. That and my amazing husband, family & friends. Now, I know I'll be okay.

My other huge news is that I finally quit my job! I had interviewed with, and subsequently received a job offer from a CPA firm & started work November 1st. While my anxiety hasn't completely subsided, it's really nice to go to work & know that I will be treated with respect. My previous boss was so demotivating that my work had begun to suffer for it, which wasn't fair to myself or to my boss. I don't believe I performed badly on purpose; I still did good work, just not great work & I was certainly not working to my full potential. I had long since given up trying to make any changes for the better. It was a big job for one person, and truthfully, a lot for me to keep track of & to keep on top of everything all the time. It didn't help that my boss would want to change things around, requiring me to re-do 9 months of inventory adjustments. With that kind of mentality, I know I should have quit a long time ago, but fear of working somewhere even worse (and the fact that I was well-paid) kept me there for far too long. But, I'm gone now & I can't help but wonder what the hell took me so long.

Well, we did indeed have a bear in our neighborhood....can you see her? I didn't crop or zoom because I wanted you to see just how close this little cutie was. I was across the street, and the bear was at the end of the very short cul-de-sac. All in all, pretty damn close. This time of year they lurk around neighborhoods in search of food, and have even been known to come inside of apartment buildings & homes. Bet you're not used to hearing that on your morning news!

Lastly, I leave you with some photos of beautiful Juneau & the Mendenhall Glacier. This, this beauty is the reason why I continue to live here, where we get 180 inches of rain a year.

Doodles gets so freakin' happy when we take him to the Glacier, he can hardly contain himself. I swear, as he's running around the lake & through the shrubbery, he gets a look on his face that can only say ~ They really do love me! Oddly, that dog will avoid a muddle **edited ** MUD PUDDLE! like the plague, but give him a glacial lake, and he's all over it.

preparing me for motherhood

Normally, Porter, aka Doodles, will sleep in my comfy chair. A big chair-and-a-half with an equally large ottoman. I wake up in the morning, and invariably, he's asleep in my chair. Which is fine. Because he's asleep & not bothering me. And he's never been one to sleep in our bed. He'll take a little time-out in mom & Mike's bed, but he rarely sleeps in ours. Although, there was that one time we couldn't find him and he was in our bed, surrounded by a pile of clean laundry, with a pair of my underwear wrapped around his neck. Not quite sure how he managed that, but whatever.

Then last night I heard him click-clicking down the hallway (I am a very light sleeper when it comes to pets causing a raucous in the middle of the night) & I fully expected him to nudge his nose into my face to be let out. Instead, he plopped down on the floor at the foot of the bed. So I go back to sleep. Until he decides to hop into bed. And do circles until he finds just the right spot. But, wait! It's not the right spot! So he must get up, do some more circles, and then plop down again. And these aren't dainty little plops, mind you. And then get up, do some more circles, and then lay down halfway across my body with his back-end way too close to my head.

And then our bed clearly wasn't good enough for him, feather bed & all, because he got up & continued to pace back & forth from our room to the living room FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. Click-click, click-click, click-click. Needless to say, I did not get a good nights sleep. I wish I knew why our perfectly good furniture is all of a sudden not good enough for our DOG to sleep in.


Oh, Doodles, it's a good thing you're so damn cute.....




PS ~ Adam & I both told our co-workers about Porter's strange activity, and consensus seems to be that we had a bear in our yard.

a thank you

If I had a lovely picture that expresses my gratitude, I would, but I'm at work & just really wanted to get this out ~ THANK YOU! Thank you to my mom, to Jerusalem, to Jeanetta, to Melissa for all your encouragement & support. And to Tanya, who was on the phone with me for 2 hours last night while she talked me down from my metaphorical ledge. She saved me, and helped me to see things in a new perspective. I feel like I am seeing more clearly today than I have in a long time, or at least since I became pregnant. There's no way I could get through this without the help of my wonderful friends ~ even Melissa, who may be a total stranger, but who has been so sweet with her comments. While I don't want to be a drain on my family & friends, it's nice to know that when I need help, all I have to do is ask.

finally some good news

I've not been posting much because frankly, I've been feeling pretty crummy emotionally & didn't want to throw my bad vibes out into the world. Not that all of you wonderful ladies wouldn't be completely understanding, but still. Aside from my ultrasound last week, which I still need to post about, nothing, and I mean nothing, is going right in my life. It's so sad that I can't even be happy about this pregnancy. I even say "this pregnancy", like I haven't claimed it as my own. I don't care about planning, I don't care about nesting, I'm doing what I have to do & that's about it. Very unlike me. But today, something good happened.

In 2000, I had unofficially graduated college with my Bachelors in Business Administration with an Accounting emphasis. I was supposed to, and fully intended to, finish up my last two classes that summer. Can you tell where I'm going with this? Six years later, Adam & I were at a going away party for our friend Kenn, who was setting out to ride his bicycle across the country ~ from Alaska to New England. At his party, he asked what all of our goals were for the upcoming year. Mine was to finish up those last 2 classes. It had been such a burden to me; my parents had rightfully assumed I had finished so I felt like a total liar & a fraud for all those years. Caught in my lie, I had fessed up to my mom, who then encouraged me for the next couple years to finish what I had started. I had spent several hundred dollars over the years on correspondence classes, but didn't have the motivation to do them.

After saying my goal out loud to Kenn, and determined to actually complete a goal I had set for myself, I registered for Statistics that Fall Semester, and then a Human Resources class in the Spring. That year, school took over my life. Not counting my actual class time 3 days a week, I had reading & studying to do 4 out of 5 weeknights. It seemed I always had a book on my lap. But, I finished them, and with strong grades. Satisfied with myself, I put off putting in my graduation application until the next fall, where I learned 2 things: 1. that in order to apply for graduation, I had to be enrolled in at least one class, and that 2. since I had been out of school for more than 2 years, I had reverted to the current course catalog which now meant I had several more classes to take to satisfy my degree requirements. As if my 123 credit hours weren't enough!

Again, I put off taking care of my business until now. I printed off a petition form from the university's website, and sent an e-mail to my advisor (not my original advisor, the one assigned to me during that last year) kindly requesting that he write a letter on my behalf since he neglected to perform a degree audit for me knowing that I was of the belief that these were my last 2 classes I needed to graduate. That was last week, and I was starting to get a bit miffed that I hadn't heard back from him. Today, just moments ago, he called saying he performed a degree audit, & that with my 123 credits, I had satisfied my degree requirements under my original course catalog. He was sending my paperwork "upstairs", so now my only hurdle is whether or not I'll have to take one more class in order to actually submit my graduation application. If so, they offer 1 credit computer courses that only run for 5 weeks or so instead of the whole semester, and I think I can stomach that. Not that I'd be happy about it, but it's my own fault for not submitting my graduation application on time.

So, while not as monumental as my baby's first photo, it's a pretty huge deal to me. And hopefully, within the next few months, I'll finally have that piece of paper that proves I worked my ass off for 5 years.