preparing me for motherhood

Normally, Porter, aka Doodles, will sleep in my comfy chair. A big chair-and-a-half with an equally large ottoman. I wake up in the morning, and invariably, he's asleep in my chair. Which is fine. Because he's asleep & not bothering me. And he's never been one to sleep in our bed. He'll take a little time-out in mom & Mike's bed, but he rarely sleeps in ours. Although, there was that one time we couldn't find him and he was in our bed, surrounded by a pile of clean laundry, with a pair of my underwear wrapped around his neck. Not quite sure how he managed that, but whatever.

Then last night I heard him click-clicking down the hallway (I am a very light sleeper when it comes to pets causing a raucous in the middle of the night) & I fully expected him to nudge his nose into my face to be let out. Instead, he plopped down on the floor at the foot of the bed. So I go back to sleep. Until he decides to hop into bed. And do circles until he finds just the right spot. But, wait! It's not the right spot! So he must get up, do some more circles, and then plop down again. And these aren't dainty little plops, mind you. And then get up, do some more circles, and then lay down halfway across my body with his back-end way too close to my head.

And then our bed clearly wasn't good enough for him, feather bed & all, because he got up & continued to pace back & forth from our room to the living room FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. Click-click, click-click, click-click. Needless to say, I did not get a good nights sleep. I wish I knew why our perfectly good furniture is all of a sudden not good enough for our DOG to sleep in.


Oh, Doodles, it's a good thing you're so damn cute.....




PS ~ Adam & I both told our co-workers about Porter's strange activity, and consensus seems to be that we had a bear in our yard.

a thank you

If I had a lovely picture that expresses my gratitude, I would, but I'm at work & just really wanted to get this out ~ THANK YOU! Thank you to my mom, to Jerusalem, to Jeanetta, to Melissa for all your encouragement & support. And to Tanya, who was on the phone with me for 2 hours last night while she talked me down from my metaphorical ledge. She saved me, and helped me to see things in a new perspective. I feel like I am seeing more clearly today than I have in a long time, or at least since I became pregnant. There's no way I could get through this without the help of my wonderful friends ~ even Melissa, who may be a total stranger, but who has been so sweet with her comments. While I don't want to be a drain on my family & friends, it's nice to know that when I need help, all I have to do is ask.

finally some good news

I've not been posting much because frankly, I've been feeling pretty crummy emotionally & didn't want to throw my bad vibes out into the world. Not that all of you wonderful ladies wouldn't be completely understanding, but still. Aside from my ultrasound last week, which I still need to post about, nothing, and I mean nothing, is going right in my life. It's so sad that I can't even be happy about this pregnancy. I even say "this pregnancy", like I haven't claimed it as my own. I don't care about planning, I don't care about nesting, I'm doing what I have to do & that's about it. Very unlike me. But today, something good happened.

In 2000, I had unofficially graduated college with my Bachelors in Business Administration with an Accounting emphasis. I was supposed to, and fully intended to, finish up my last two classes that summer. Can you tell where I'm going with this? Six years later, Adam & I were at a going away party for our friend Kenn, who was setting out to ride his bicycle across the country ~ from Alaska to New England. At his party, he asked what all of our goals were for the upcoming year. Mine was to finish up those last 2 classes. It had been such a burden to me; my parents had rightfully assumed I had finished so I felt like a total liar & a fraud for all those years. Caught in my lie, I had fessed up to my mom, who then encouraged me for the next couple years to finish what I had started. I had spent several hundred dollars over the years on correspondence classes, but didn't have the motivation to do them.

After saying my goal out loud to Kenn, and determined to actually complete a goal I had set for myself, I registered for Statistics that Fall Semester, and then a Human Resources class in the Spring. That year, school took over my life. Not counting my actual class time 3 days a week, I had reading & studying to do 4 out of 5 weeknights. It seemed I always had a book on my lap. But, I finished them, and with strong grades. Satisfied with myself, I put off putting in my graduation application until the next fall, where I learned 2 things: 1. that in order to apply for graduation, I had to be enrolled in at least one class, and that 2. since I had been out of school for more than 2 years, I had reverted to the current course catalog which now meant I had several more classes to take to satisfy my degree requirements. As if my 123 credit hours weren't enough!

Again, I put off taking care of my business until now. I printed off a petition form from the university's website, and sent an e-mail to my advisor (not my original advisor, the one assigned to me during that last year) kindly requesting that he write a letter on my behalf since he neglected to perform a degree audit for me knowing that I was of the belief that these were my last 2 classes I needed to graduate. That was last week, and I was starting to get a bit miffed that I hadn't heard back from him. Today, just moments ago, he called saying he performed a degree audit, & that with my 123 credits, I had satisfied my degree requirements under my original course catalog. He was sending my paperwork "upstairs", so now my only hurdle is whether or not I'll have to take one more class in order to actually submit my graduation application. If so, they offer 1 credit computer courses that only run for 5 weeks or so instead of the whole semester, and I think I can stomach that. Not that I'd be happy about it, but it's my own fault for not submitting my graduation application on time.

So, while not as monumental as my baby's first photo, it's a pretty huge deal to me. And hopefully, within the next few months, I'll finally have that piece of paper that proves I worked my ass off for 5 years.

a weekend outdoors

Aside from lots of crafting, Honey & I also took Doodles on some good dog walks. I'm trying to remind myself that it's important to stay active, even if it's just taking Doodles out, but the weather has been so miserable it's hard to summons the motivation to do so. Juneau is known for rain ~ lots & lots of rain ~ and we really get dumped on this time of year. This weekend was perfect weather for getting out, though.

These are some photos of the Mendenhall Glacier, as taken from the West Glacier Trail. Honey is a glacier guide on the weekends during the summer, and has spent thousands of hours up there over the past 7 years. It really is the most amazing place to be. If you ever take a trip to Alaska & have the opportunity to take a helicopter glacirt tour, I highly recommend it. It ain't cheap, but so worth it. Imagine miles & miles of ice as far as the eye can see. Photos from the ground can't even beigin to do it justice, you'll just have to take my word for it. Or maybe someday I'll post photos that I've taken while on the glacier. Even then, nothing can compare to seeing it for yourself.




Mt. McGinnis, which soon will be covered with snow. And then, as Honey says, it's all over. Winter is here.




Was Doodles tired after his romp at the glacier? I think so! That dog finds the silliest places to rest his head.



Today we walked along the Mendenhall wetlands; another great viewing spot of the glacier. Honey & I live at the base of the mountain on the right; Thunder Mountain which will soon also be covered in snow.





Baffling how & why there is a railway car out there. We have no trains, nor have we ever had any trains. We don't even have a ROAD into Juneau, let alone trains! Just fascinating!



You should have seen how many tries it took Doodles to get up that log. Needless to say, he doesn't have the greatest balance. He must get that from me.



So this is Juneau in the fall. More grey than shades of orange & red, but we take what we can get!

twinkle lights

You know that line in You've Got Mail, where Kathleen Kelly's shop is having trouble after the big-bad Fox Books opens up? Business is down, but it's approaching the holidays, so Kathleen announces that all will be fine, but "in the meantime, I'm putting up more twinkle lights." As if twinkle lights were the answer to everything. I so wish it were true.

Today, not unlike most days lately, I'm in a funk. Today, however, it's not pregnancy related. I'm not frustrated with not feeling normal, not frustrated with my husband, and most importantly, I feel loved by my family & friends.

Today, like most days, I am frustrated with work. The only word that comes to mind when I think of how I feel about being here is miserable. It's unfortunate, because the company itself is pretty cool, I work with some really great people who have been nothing but wonderful to me, and I do love accounting.

What's to hate, you ask? I don't want to go into detail because it won't serve any purpose except to frustrate me more, but lets just say I feel there are many similarities between my work environment & Heather's previous job & what she had written about her boss. It's reached the point where I don't even care if I get fired for anything I might say or do. Except that I'm pregnant & need my salary & my health insurance, so I guess I do care on some level.

Do you have any idea how much it SUCKS to feel stuck in your current situation, to loath going to work, to feel that your opinions means absolutely nothing to your boss, to be made to feel as if your work is worthless, to put up with the pit of anxiety in your belly? I'm sure some of you do, but reading your blogs makes me so envious of all of you who are pursuing your dreams & passions.

There are some fine points to my job. I get to bring my dog Porter (aka Doodles) to work, my schedule is fairly flexible if need be, and my co-workers Mary & James have been really amazing friends to me. In the 3-plus years that I've been here, there have been 4 babies born, 3 of whom came back to work with their mamas. I know I'm lucky that I have that option when it's my turn, but trust me when I tell you, it's not worth sacrificing my happiness. I hate to think what my anxiety is doing to my little baby. He/she (we haven't come up with a clever nickname yet) certainly doesn't deserve a mama who is unhappy.

I have begun to take steps to alleviate this particular stress in my life, so please, think good thoughts for me. I know you are all where you are because you worked very hard to get there, and I know I can get there, too. In the meantime, I'm listening (still) to my Sleepless in Seattle soundrack, because it has the ability to calm me down so I can at least focus on what I need to get done. I really don't know what it is about that particular music, or the movie itself, but it's kind of magical, don't you think?

Tomorrow is our first OB appointment ~ I finally get to hear the heartbeat!

not quite sure

I don't ever know about these quizzes, and this one certainly did not pinpoint who I am. I can be impulsive, but I can also be very practical. I am definitely impatient. But a captivating singing voice? I don't think so. Plus, and I'm sorry Jerusalem, but I don't believe I've seen a single Jane Austin movie, so I can't say as whether Marianne is me or not. It also goes without saying, then, that I've also never read a single Jane Austin novel. Maybe I ought to put that on my list of things to do.

Take the Quiz here!

:: M A R I A N N E ::

You are Marianne Dashwood of Sense & Sensibility! You are impulsive, romantic, impatient, and perhaps a little to vocal in your honesty. You enjoy romantic poetry and novels, and play the pianoforte beautifully. To boot, your singing voice is captivating. You feel deeply, and love passionately.

fall transitions

I love fall. Almost as much as I crave the sun after a long winter, I also crave crisp days, leaves changing colors (as much as they can around here in the land of evergreens), pumpkin-spice candles, lazy Sundays watching movies, and cooking. Honey actually does most of the cooking in our household, but last night I was craving scalloped potatoes. And since we bought a 10 pound bag of potatoes at Wal-Mart for $2.00 ($2.00!!) this weekend, scalloped potatoes were definitely in order. I do love them, but it takes sooo long to cook, which is why I don't make them very often. My co-workers Mary & James both pre-cook their potatoes, and duh, why had I never thought of that?

Fall & Winter are also the time of year for baking. I have already made a batch of party mix, a family tradition every Christmas-time. I usually get a hankering for them about now, so will usually make a double-batch now, and one again in December. Mom wrote a post recently about traditions, and party mix is one of my favorites. If you are interested in the best recipe ever, here it is:

16 cups cereal (rice chex, corn chex, wheat chex, Cherios, & pretzels)
2 cups nuts
1 cup butter or margarine (I have always used Nucoa brand margarine, because that's what my mom always used)
1 Tbs Worcestershire Sauce
1 Tsp salt
1 Tsp garlic powder

(I think that's right; it's from memory.)

In a large roasting pan, melt the butter & mix in Worcestershire Sauce, salt & garlic. Mix well before adding your cereal, pretzels & nuts. Stir until everything is coated. Or not so well if you want some clumps ;)

Bake at 250 degrees for 45 minutes, stirring every 15.
It is a must to taste-test at each stirring interval. And don't ask me why, but my favorite beverage with party mix is orange juice. It's just my tradition.

Always make a double batch because it never lasts long, especially when you share with your loved ones. On a side note, Bucky (my brother) & I love the "clumps", the bits of cereal that don't fully separate. They just have extra flavor. Well, we never told Honey about the "clumps" because we're mean & selfish that way, and when he finally found out about them, he for-shamed us for keeping it a secret so long! Ooops. Who said marriage is all about sharing.

During Christmas, I always make several varieties of cookies as well. Sugar cookies are by far my favorite. Mom, avert your eyes now, but I bought a pre-packaged bag of sugar cookie dough yesterday. I know, I was horrified that I did it, but Michelle made some a couple weeks back, and they were so good! It was a total impulse buy, and I never, ever buy pre-packaged stuff like that. Well, except for cakes & brownies, but NEVER cookies! What is my world coming to? I just wanted cookies, and I wanted them now!

My taste in music also slows down a bit in the fall. I've been listening to the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack for days now, and I never grow tired of it. This time of year, I'm all about Louis Armstrong, Harry Connick Jr., Frank Sinatra or any one of those fine fellas, Ella Fitzgerald & Billie Holiday, of course my Williams Sonoma The Last Time I Saw Paris cd, any of my Pottery Barn Dinner & Cocktail cd's ~ really, anything that is slow, romantic, and evokes that hard-to-describe feeling that music is so good at doing. The other night Bucky & Michelle were over for dinner & we listened to Simon & Garfunkle circa "Mrs. Robinson", and that was just perfect for how I was feeling that evening. What is it about "The Sound of Silence", anyway? It just does something to me.

Oh, gosh, I really should be getting back to work. I get so tired by mid-afternoon it's hard to concentrate, and it just gets worse as the week goes on. Come winter when it's dark by 3:00 pm, it's going to be especially brutal. Although, don't they say you get a crazy burst on energy in your second trimester? At least that's something to look forward to, besides hemorrhoids & flatulence!