Thursday, April 17, 2008

getting close

It's hard to believe how fast time flies....

Little Hunter is almost 5 months old & as cute as ever. Me? I've packed on 64 pounds & am left with very few shirts that actually cover my belly.

And at about 36 weeks, I'm just a little uncomfortable. My feet & ankles are painfully swollen. The other night Honey's boney ankle bumped up against my fat ankle & oh, my, did it hurt! Yes, yes, I know I'm in for it when it comes time for labor.

Rolling over in bed is an ordeal in itself, and actually getting out of bed? The achy hips, the legs so sore & stiff from the swelling, the ankles that hardly bend anymore...all things that make me wish I could just stay in bed. Except that unless I'm cuddling with Honey, even bed isn't comfortable anymore.

The baby thinks it's great fun to head-butt my bladder on a regular basis, and this past week, she has also been putting pressure in my, ummm, posterior-region. I know all you ladies know exactly what I'm talking about, but man, does it feel strange!

It's difficult to breath, and I find myself emitting a snort when a laugh should be coming out of my mouth. And if I can't control my breathing when I'm awake, imagine how I must sound when I'm asleep. Poor Honey doesn't have to imagine. I think he said something to the affect of ~ Honey, you sound like a trucker. But unlike me who kicks him when he's snoring, he has learned to just let me sleep. Because I told him he wasn't allowed to wake me up to tell me I'm snoring. But, still, he lets me sleep.

My body refuses to keep up with me anymore, which I don't like one bit. Doesn't it know I have things to do? That this baby will be here in 3 weeks & I'm not ready for her? I have a nursery to finish, thank-you's to write, a hospital bag to pack, and a life to say goodbye to. And I don't mean that last bit in a negative way, just that I have not yet come to grips with the fact that our life is changing in the hugest way imaginable.

Like the other day, my brother was over with Hunter, who for no apparent reason, started crying. Not just whimpering, but that stiff-bodied, eyes-shut-tight CRYING. For no reason. And when I asked Bucky what was wrong with his child, he said, ummmm, yeah, this is what babies do. Get used to it. And then he plucked his child from my arms and immediately calmed him down. Can I just say that I am so proud of the man & father my little brother has turned into?

But despite my complaining and feeling ready to get this little fatty out of my belly (as of my ultrasound on March 5th, the technician estimated the baby at nearly 5 pounds. 5 pounds at 29 weeks, people!), I am going to miss being pregnant so much. I won't miss those months where I went crazy, of course, but I will most definitely miss being pregnant. It's the most amazing thing I am capable of doing & I hope I never take it for granted. For so long, I felt like being pregnant was something that happened to other women, not to me. It was all so surreal. After the first ultrasound when we saw the baby & were told it was a girl, it still didn't feel right to refer to her as a she or a her instead of an it.

Even as my belly grew & it became quite obvious that I was pregnant, both from the outside & from the inside, it still didn't feel real. And now, with a closet full of tiny pink clothes, it doesn't entirely seem real. Except that right now I can feel her feet jutting out from my belly and her butt making my belly lop-sided, and I know she is real. How can I not miss something that has been a part of me for 10 months? A little something that I was solely responsible for growing into a little person? A little person Honey & I made because we wanted to share our love & life with a child. A little person we will try our best to keep the worst parts of ourselves from seeping into.

I wouldn't trade the past 36 weeks for anything. Even when I was in that very dark place, I was still incredibly grateful for being pregnant. Grateful that it happened as easily as it did, and grateful that after various blood tests, the worst result was that I'm RH-,which actually makes me feel special to have a rare blood type. I am grateful to have a husband who loves me enough to have a baby with me, and who always tells me good job on making a baby when I forward him my weekly updates from I'm grateful for my family who I know will never let me fall too hard. I'm grateful for my friends who have all been so supportive and made me feel so special during my baby shower.

Even though I'm going to miss her presence in my body, I can't wait to meet her & hold her & tell her how much we love her.


jeanetta said...

ooo you make me hurt just looking at you and reading how everything is uncomfortable. i hated being pregnant everytime because i was so terribly miserable. but i am so happy for you! and dont worry about sending me a thankyou. :) you can write it on the birth annoucement. lol

Nancy said...

Your entry made me cry this morning. What beautiful things to say about your hubby, your sweet little Ellis, and being pregnant. I hope you print this out and put it in Elli's baby book so she knows just how special she is. And if you think being pregnant is so wonderful, just wait until you hold her in your arms for the first time, or when you pick her up from crying her little heart out and hearing her frustration melt away in your arms. You're going to be in awe over being a momma. mom

Jerusalem said...

I do miss being PG and feeling them inside my belly. It is such a sweet and special time despite all the irritations and pains. It is unlike anything else in the world. You are going to be - already are- a wonderful mother!

Anonymous said...

hey tracy!!! embarrassed to say i am seeing you pregnant for the first time from sherrie's blog in anchorage!!! you look amazing. WOW! congratulations and good luck lady...i am very proud and happy for the both of you, i mean the three of you!! you will be dynamite parents! i hope to see you before you give birth but that is going to be soon so next time i see you you may be with your little girl!! take good care, much love and many fancy prayers,
bridget cross!! ps: sherrie says hi and that she LOVES your blog. seriously tracy, she talks about it as much as she does ice climbing.