Tuesday, September 25, 2007

twinkle lights

You know that line in You've Got Mail, where Kathleen Kelly's shop is having trouble after the big-bad Fox Books opens up? Business is down, but it's approaching the holidays, so Kathleen announces that all will be fine, but "in the meantime, I'm putting up more twinkle lights." As if twinkle lights were the answer to everything. I so wish it were true.

Today, not unlike most days lately, I'm in a funk. Today, however, it's not pregnancy related. I'm not frustrated with not feeling normal, not frustrated with my husband, and most importantly, I feel loved by my family & friends.

Today, like most days, I am frustrated with work. The only word that comes to mind when I think of how I feel about being here is miserable. It's unfortunate, because the company itself is pretty cool, I work with some really great people who have been nothing but wonderful to me, and I do love accounting.

What's to hate, you ask? I don't want to go into detail because it won't serve any purpose except to frustrate me more, but lets just say I feel there are many similarities between my work environment & Heather's previous job & what she had written about her boss. It's reached the point where I don't even care if I get fired for anything I might say or do. Except that I'm pregnant & need my salary & my health insurance, so I guess I do care on some level.

Do you have any idea how much it SUCKS to feel stuck in your current situation, to loath going to work, to feel that your opinions means absolutely nothing to your boss, to be made to feel as if your work is worthless, to put up with the pit of anxiety in your belly? I'm sure some of you do, but reading your blogs makes me so envious of all of you who are pursuing your dreams & passions.

There are some fine points to my job. I get to bring my dog Porter (aka Doodles) to work, my schedule is fairly flexible if need be, and my co-workers Mary & James have been really amazing friends to me. In the 3-plus years that I've been here, there have been 4 babies born, 3 of whom came back to work with their mamas. I know I'm lucky that I have that option when it's my turn, but trust me when I tell you, it's not worth sacrificing my happiness. I hate to think what my anxiety is doing to my little baby. He/she (we haven't come up with a clever nickname yet) certainly doesn't deserve a mama who is unhappy.

I have begun to take steps to alleviate this particular stress in my life, so please, think good thoughts for me. I know you are all where you are because you worked very hard to get there, and I know I can get there, too. In the meantime, I'm listening (still) to my Sleepless in Seattle soundrack, because it has the ability to calm me down so I can at least focus on what I need to get done. I really don't know what it is about that particular music, or the movie itself, but it's kind of magical, don't you think?

Tomorrow is our first OB appointment ~ I finally get to hear the heartbeat!


Jerusalem said...

Oh yes, I do remember that feeling from when I worked a The Shepherd's Ranch. And You've Got Mail was my saving grace then too. My work situation was beyond awful and it sent me straight to bed and straight to therapy. Of course working for oneself is stressful too - everything really does depend on you and etc. etc. Lots of pits- in-stomaches here too. But it is nice to be appreciated and valued by my clients and customers, and it is nice not to HAVE to do a lot of things. I guess it is all a trade off and there are no easy answers. But I am praying that somehow it all becomes clear for you what you should do and how it will all work out. Because it does ya know, somehow it all works out. Lots and lots of HUGS my friend!!!

jeanetta said...

i will be praying for you girl.

Nancy said...

Tracy, I think you'd be surprised to learn how many people are in your same situation. I was too at one point in my career and it took me a year to get out. Your time will come. Meanwhile, keep happy thoughts and find that silver lining even in the worst of times.

melissa @ the inspired room said...

I've been there, too. Lots of people I know are there. A lot of pregnant people and moms, I think it starts to hit you at that point, that you have other things you'd rather do than go on in a stressful environment.

Take care, how wonderful to hear the heartbeat!