Monday, November 5, 2007

still here

Hello, my dear internet friends. Honey googled me one day & finally found my blog. He reminded me that I haven't written since the 4th of October. He also said good job for not trashing him on the internet, and that in the future when I'm pissed at him, I should read my blog since I portray him in such good light. Indeed, Honey has been a prince during these last 2 months of hormone hell. At any rate, not only have I not written for at least a month, but I haven't even been reading about what all you fabulous people have been up to. I'm sure you've been creating your hearts out, have been preparing for the holiday season, and have dressed your kids up as various animals and cartoon characters. I'm sure one day soon, once I've closed a few loops (that was for Jerusalem's benefit), I'll sit & read for hours & smile at your lovely lives.

Anyway, catching up starting backwards, today we had our first snowfall of the sesaon. Normally, the first snowfall is mixed rain & snow, and lasts a very short while. But today it snowed all day, accumulating about 4 inches at our house. Doodles was pleased.

I also got my first issue of Victoria ~ horray! Well, not my first issue, of course, but you know what I mean. AND, Honey got his drivers license today! Yes, my 26 year old husband finally is licensed to drive. After moving here from California in 1999, he lived downtown & worked downtown. We have the same work schedule, so when we bought our house in the "valley", we drove into town together. And even though we don't talk much during our 15-20 minute commute (ha!), other than the occasional commentary on an NPR news tidbit, I really love that we have that time together. Anyway, Honey still maintains he does not want his license & that he only got it because I got pregnant & he had to. I don't care ~ he got his license, and you have no idea how big of a milestone this is in our lives. There are countless people who have hounded him on my behalf for years, and even though he says he's not happy he got his license, he was thinking of who he should call to tell. How cute is that?!

Weekend before last, I went to Seattle for a few days to see my girl Tanya. I was in such a bad state of mind that she & my sweet mama bought me a plane ticket to get the hell out of here & escape my life for a few days. Tanya & I stayed in a fancy hotel downtown, I got my haircut which I unforunately hate, I bought maternity clothes courtesy of my Aunt Georgia, ate orange beef at my most favorite Seattle restaurant, Shanghai Garden, had a really nice visit with Aunt Georgia, my cousin Tony, his wife Lisa & their precious little baby Lucas, and went to a spa. If you find yourself in Seattle, I highly recommend a day at Ummelina's. The smells alone are worth it. Mmmm, lavender....

We got manicures & massages, and while we waited for our treatments, we got a foot soak. The manicure was like a massage in itself. I was lying down, & before actually doing my nails, she massaged my arms & hands. I slipped into a relaxed state of being that rarely happens. Even my massage, as lovely as it was, wasn't as relaxing as my manicure.

I'm now at about 13 weeks, 14 weeks if you go by my date of conception & not by the ultrasound measurements. This photo is at 11 (12) weeks. I've been taking self-portraits, so I'm a little twisted. My belly has grown considerably, especially after a big dinner. It actually looks small to me in this photo. I still fight the urge to suck it in, but mostly I'm like, why bother? I had been squishing myself into jeans that I could barely squish myself into, fastening them closed with a rubberband. Honey would say to me, ummm, your zipper's down. I would respond with MY ZIPPER DOESN'T GO UP ANY FARTHER! It felt really comfortable to finally have some maternity jeans & let it all hang out.

More importantly, my hormones have finally leveled out. And can I just say, THANK GOD. The past two months I've been in the worst kind of hell. I was so completely miserable and I honestly didn't think I would survive my pregnancy. I have decided that if I'm on anti-anxiety/depression meds again, and if we ever get pregnant again, I cannot go off them until the 2nd trimester. I am not equipped to handle the hormonal changes, and it's not fair to Honey to put him through that again, either. The weird thing is, even though this was all in the very recent past, it's hard to remember just how badly I felt. And there really aren't words, anyway. I'm thankful now that I can start to enjoy my pregnancy, whereas as recently as 3 weeks ago, it was merely something that was destroying my life & my sanity. At the time, the only positive I could think of was that I had cleavage for the first time in my life. It pained me that I was so unhappy about what was supposed to be the most beautiful thing I'd ever experience. And even worse, there was a teensy part of me that didn't want to be pregnant & knowing that if I did miscarry, I'd never have the strength to do this again. Intellectually, I knew I was incredibly lucky to be pregnant, especially when there are so many women who are desperate for a child & can't conceive. I would see a husband & wife with a baby & I'd know I wanted that, & that's what got me through the craziness. That and my amazing husband, family & friends. Now, I know I'll be okay.

My other huge news is that I finally quit my job! I had interviewed with, and subsequently received a job offer from a CPA firm & started work November 1st. While my anxiety hasn't completely subsided, it's really nice to go to work & know that I will be treated with respect. My previous boss was so demotivating that my work had begun to suffer for it, which wasn't fair to myself or to my boss. I don't believe I performed badly on purpose; I still did good work, just not great work & I was certainly not working to my full potential. I had long since given up trying to make any changes for the better. It was a big job for one person, and truthfully, a lot for me to keep track of & to keep on top of everything all the time. It didn't help that my boss would want to change things around, requiring me to re-do 9 months of inventory adjustments. With that kind of mentality, I know I should have quit a long time ago, but fear of working somewhere even worse (and the fact that I was well-paid) kept me there for far too long. But, I'm gone now & I can't help but wonder what the hell took me so long.

Well, we did indeed have a bear in our neighborhood....can you see her? I didn't crop or zoom because I wanted you to see just how close this little cutie was. I was across the street, and the bear was at the end of the very short cul-de-sac. All in all, pretty damn close. This time of year they lurk around neighborhoods in search of food, and have even been known to come inside of apartment buildings & homes. Bet you're not used to hearing that on your morning news!

Lastly, I leave you with some photos of beautiful Juneau & the Mendenhall Glacier. This, this beauty is the reason why I continue to live here, where we get 180 inches of rain a year.

Doodles gets so freakin' happy when we take him to the Glacier, he can hardly contain himself. I swear, as he's running around the lake & through the shrubbery, he gets a look on his face that can only say ~ They really do love me! Oddly, that dog will avoid a muddle **edited ** MUD PUDDLE! like the plague, but give him a glacial lake, and he's all over it.


Jerusalem said...

welcome back my friend! i have missed you!! so glad you are feeling better and I am LOVING the baby bump! so cute! xoxoxo

Nancy said...

Yea, I'm glad you're back. Back to bloggig, back to feeling better, and back to a normal routine.

jeanetta said...

sooo glad to hear from you again!!! yeah!! and such sweet little belly. yes pregnancy makes you crazy and dont think you're the only one that has had the miscarriage thoughts either. but i am glad that you are feeling better and hooray on the job news. keep bloggin'

Merrilee Diaz said...

I'm so glad you're back.! I just recently stumbled across your blog and have so enjoyed reading your posts. Oh, and Doddles, how cute is he? : )

melissa @ the inspired room said...

Glad you are back and doing better! Keep blogging and reaching out to people, you are not the only one with those crazy hormonal thoughts and you are sure to find others to help you through this!

A bear? Oh my!