to a new year

First off, an update on Tanya: she is back home from surgery & all appears to have gone well. Phew.

I wish I could say all has been merry & bright these past couple of months in terms of my pregnancy, but alas, I cannot. And since a while back I wrote about being honest, I feel compelled to be honest again now. I have felt myself drifting away again, but since I tend to get somewhat melancholy around the holidays, and because I am often affected by seasonal affective disorder (and because this winter has been particularly gross without much snow), I ignored it. I ignored my frequent feelings of just wanting to be alone (offset by my neediness & feeling completely lonely when Honey falls asleep before I do) and my feelings of slipping back into depression. I think I just always hope ~ tomorrow I will feel better. And sometimes I do. And then sometimes I wake up angry at the world, pissed because Honey’s snoring has woken me up countless times during the night, or because Riley-cat has decided he needs to get into the bathroom cupboard. (And let me clarify that I’m not pissed directly at Honey because I know he can’t help that he snores when he sleeps on his back). This is all exasperated by little things like my curling iron cord getting stuck on the bathroom cupboard knob, or not being able to find the sweater I wanted to wear; the one non-wrinkly item of clothing I had because I don’t have the energy to iron. I often dread going to work, not because work is bad, but simply because I have to leave the house. It sucks to leave the house even more when you’ve started your day out crying & you now look as crappy as you feel.

This weekend, I fell back into a very dark place. A place where after a few very minor setbacks which were anything but minor at the time, I spent nearly the entire day Sunday in bed. I did get up, for a very a short time in the morning, and after throwing a container of Pledge dusting wipes at the front door and then seeing the look on Porter’s face, which can only be described as concern & confusion, I calmed down a bit. I took down the Christmas tree, and as that had wiped any energy I had right out of me, I laid back down on the couch. Honey woke up and told me he didn’t appreciate being told he was going to be left out at the end of the road with the rest of the animals (yes, boys & girls, this was the first thing I said to my husband, before even setting my feet on the floor), so I decided I wasn’t fit to be around anyone & crawled back into bed.

I cried for a long while, slept for a short while, and mostly just laid there thinking. It’s almost too painful to even write the things I was thinking, but if I do write them, maybe it will help me to realize that I didn’t really mean them, because I didn’t. While in the midst of despair, it’s impossible to see that, but I can see it now. At the time, I wished I could un-do everything: I didn’t want my house, my husband, or my baby. It was all too much to deal with, and I felt I was not, nor would I ever be, able to handle it all. If I can’t handle the cats waking me up, how would I ever be able to handle a crying baby? What if I didn’t get back on meds soon enough after the baby’s born? Would I want to drop it off out at the end of the road, too? Would I be one of those mothers you see on TV who went completely berserk?

More things got thrown (2 remotes, a bottle of water, and my alarm clock; nothing broke), and every time Honey came in to see what was wrong, I just screamed at him to leave me alone. He has had to deal with many, many things in his life, but as far as I know, depression is not one of them. And for that reason, he can’t, and may not ever be able to understand how I can feel this way when, in his mind, nothing is really that bad. And he’s right. The things that set me off are not really that bad, but I guess that’s what sets a person who is hormonal apart from someone who is not. I don’t fault Honey for not understanding; I couldn’t possibly when I hardly understand why I am the way I am.

I finally got back out of bed around 4:00 pm, and fell asleep around 9:00 in my comfy chair. Since I was sleeping pretty well, and because Honey wasn’t snoring (he had fallen asleep on the couch), I stayed put. Around 4:00 am, when I was too uncomfortable to fall back asleep, I crawled into bed where I laid wide awake for about an hour. I realized that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day, and that both worried me and made me realize that I didn’t want it un-done. I laid my hands across my belly & rubbed it until I could feel the baby squirming around.

When I heard Honey’s footsteps coming down the hallway, I was so relieved, and it felt so good to have him in bed next to me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt safer than in those moments with his arm wrapped around my belly. He said he hadn’t felt the baby move yet; that he keeps waiting for it. I told him that while the baby does move quite a bit (mostly at night when I’m laying in bed), I’ve yet to feel it from the outside either. And then I was finally able to fall asleep, a really good sleep.

I wasn’t sure if I would be up for dinner at my mom & step-dad’s tonight as planned, or up for game-night with my brother & Michelle ~ even though a big dose of Hunter-snuggling is probably just what I needed ~ but I’m feeling much better now. I don’t understand how I can feel like my life can be falling apart in one moment, and feel good a few short hours later. I know some therapy would likely do me some good, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to (someone who won’t feel frustrated because they don’t understand why the hell I’m so weepy), but my insurance policy isn’t very kind to those with mental health issues & taking on another expense at this point would just cause more anxiety. I do know something has to give, I just don’t know what.

I just wanted to say a big thank you for listening & for being in my life this past year. Although many of you are strangers in the sense that we will never meet face to face, I consider you all my friends & it is so very comforting to know you are out there & that you care. I hope you all enjoy your New Year’s holiday with your friends & family. I know I will.

And purely by chance, this is my 100th post. To celebrate, I will draw a name at random from those who leave a comment to receive a special hand-made gift.

Edited: I realize that this is a very depressing post to leave a comment on, and perhaps one that some people wouldn't want to comment on or wouldn't know what to say. Thank you to Jeru & Jeanetta who have already left me sweet messages that I'm taking to heart. To anyone who wishes to comment for the giveaway, feel free to just say hello, or to comment on any other post I write this week. I promise they will be more lighthearted, and tomorrow I will hopefully have some very good news to share. Thank you again to everyone for your support. I will draw a name on Sunday! TG

say a prayer

Today my dear friend Tanya is having surgery, which makes too many to count for someone of her age & in such a short amount of time. I am hopeful that this will finally make her pain-free, healthy, and that she will have NO MORE SURGERIES in 2008.

the day after

Does anyone else feel sad & lonely today? I spend all day Christmas with my husband & my family, and then I’m suddenly thrust back into work & I just feel lonely. Even my radio isn’t coming in very clear, which seems oddly fitting with the way I feel today. Just a bit off.

I want to be at home cuddling with Honey & Porter, who last night must have felt lonely too, because he decided he needed to lay on me, not just next to me. Honey had already fallen asleep on the couch, my lonliness had set in, and so I let him stay there even though a 55 pound dog lying across my belly wasn’t entirely comfortable. If Honey had witnessed that scene, he would have been miffed, because I often tell him his arm is too heavy when he drapes it across my belly when we’re asleep. Except, once he told me that when he put his arm across my waist & his hand rested on my belly, he was imagining what it would be like if there was a baby in there. I told myself that when I became pregnant, I would always let him put his hand on my belly.

I want to be at home, putting away my new goodies, putting away Christmas, and basically restoring order to my home. As much as I love Christmas and the entire month of planning, decorating, and celebrating, it will be a welcome relief to have life back to normal; to not have anything Christmas-related on my to-do list. I want to be tying up my loose ends & closing my loops so as to reduce my anxiety & free up space in my mind. Space that I will fill up with baby-planning, and reading my pregnancy books that I’ve not had time to read this past month.

I want to be at home watching our new DVD’s, of which we received many. Chic-flicks for me, and for Honey, I bought Ratatoullie and the Planet Earth series, He loves to watch anything on the Discovery or National Geographic channel. The other night, we both fell asleep in the living room, and I woke up to a show on giant turtles. The turtle had ensnared himself in a trap or something else he was otherwise unable to escape from, and wound up cooking himself from the heat ~ just moments before the tide had come up & freed him. It killed me to know that this poor turtle had baked to death, when there was a cameraman there who could have saved him. It was more than this pregnant gal (with “extra” feelings normally) could handle. When I told Adam about how much it bothered me, he said they’re not allowed to interfere, but it still seemed cruel to me. Even knowing the turtle’s death was part of the cycle of things in the animal world by becoming shark food didn’t make me feel any better. If I were at home today, I would not be watching a show about dying turtles.

Merry Christmas!

I have officially wrapped my last gift. (Doodles was exhausted just watching it all). Honey & I are having roasted chicken & stuffing for dinner tonight, will likely turn on a 24 hours of A Christmas Story, and at some point, take Doodles out for a walk.






We had not-quite-Christmas Eve dinner last night with Bucky, Michelle & baby Hunter, and tomorrow after having a big breakfast at home, we'll spend the day between my mom & step-dad's house, and my dad & step-mom's house. While it may sound crazy-hectic, it's really all very relaxed.












However you are spending your day tomorrow, I hope you are surrounded by your families, too.

P.S. I loved this movie

Last night I dragged Honey to see P.S. I Love You, and I absolutely loved it. Honey, of course, thought it sucked. He's not one for chic flicks, although he did say that once we own it and he's seen it 4 times, maybe he'll grow to like it. At least that's something!

I must have cried about 8 different times during this movie, and I know I wasn't alone because I could hear sniffling coming from all sides. I'm sorry, but if you are in a relationship, or more specifically, are married to the love of your life, and you don't cry during this movie, you're just dead inside.

This movie made me really think about my marriage, and how it doesn't occur to me that it could be cut short. I married Honey with the belief that we will grow old together, and I never once considered the possibility that he could die young. If I allowed myself to think about such things, I probably never would have married him because the thought of losing him would hurt way too much.

P.S. brought up a whole mess of emotions that I never even knew existed. I could empathize with Hilary Swank's character more than any other character I've watched in years. I could feel in my heart what it would feel like to be a widow at age 30, and it sucked. When you marry the man you love, that's not supposed to happen, you know? How do you ever get over that? How do you get out of bed in the morning? Go to work? Move on? Smile? Allow yourself to fall in love again? I just can't imagine how I'd ever get over losing Honey.

So, go watch this movie. Cry, laugh, give your husband a big hug, and treat your marriage as if every day could be its last.

not a post about holiday cheer

This morning I was about to nudge/poke/kick Honey to roll over so he'd quit snoring until I realized it was not Honey snoring, but rather a dog barking outside for no apparent reason. And I have very little tolerance for dogs who bark for no apparent reason, nor for dog owners who let their dogs stay outside barking instead of bringing them inside. My exreme lack of tolerance is probably Porter is not a barker, and has yet to pick up the Husky trait of howling. He is extremely verbal, however, and has no problem letting us know that he is pissed and/or frustrated by plopping himself down in the middle of the living room floor with a big sigh & a harumph!

Anyway, Porter came into our bedroom to let us know he wanted to be let out; I believe not because he had to go potty but because he wanted to give the barker a healthy dose of shut the hell up.

holiday bits

Yesterday I was quite convinced I was coming down with a cold. My sinuses were bothering me more than usual, I felt like my throat was closing up, and I felt light-headed. This morning, thankfully, I am feeling better. Still having sinus troubles, but no more so than every day the past 2 months. I refuse to be sick for Christmas!

I have been hearing commercials on the radio that on Friday, Santa will be making the rounds through the main streets of downtown, and up into the residential neighborhoods ~ on a fire engine! It reminded me of when Adam & I lived downtown and we witnessed this for ourselves. We stood outside on the sidewalk, and couldn’t help but smile at the sounds of all the children screaming SANTA! SANTA! SANTA! SANTA’S COMING! IT’S SANTAAAAA!! A total explosion of enthusiasm. Truly priceless, and I’d forgotten all about it until yesterday.

I’m nearly done with my holiday shopping, but still have a few things to purchase, and a few things that should be arriving this week via Mr. UPS. I was so far ahead of the game the last week of November/first week of December, and then I don’t know what happened. I am waiting to wrap presents until Monday, which I just found out I have off. Yippee! I plan on watching all the Christmas movies I have yet to watch, and have myself a little wrapping party.

I recently bought a tag-maker kit (made by Making Memories) for about $17, normally priced at $46. I couldn’t exactly pass that up, now could I? No, I didn’t think so. I made all the tags for the gifts mailed to my in-laws, and while it takes a bit more time than using the pre-made gift tags one can buy in pack that will last about 7 years, it definitely personalized our gifts. I like to be known for my handmade things, even if the recipient didn’t know they were handmade.

Besides holiday gifts, I’m finding all sorts of uses for my tag-maker, and plan on tagging the hell out of all my baskets that hold my crafting supplies.

Speaking of handmade things, here is the holiday card that I sent out this year. Between my family, Adam’s family, and the handful of friends that I send cards to, I send out about 60 each year. This particular card was a multi-step process that took several evenings to finish. But, it’s probably my favorite Christmas card I’ve made yet, so it was worth it. You probably can’t see it, but the red & white paper have little gold flecks in them, which I just love.

I had fully intended on making loads of extra cards so I could list them on my shoppe, but I drastically underestimated the time it would take to make them. I did take 3 sets of 5 cards to The Creating Place to consign, and as of last week, one pack had sold. Maybe the last-minute-shoppers will snatch up the other 2 packs...and maybe next year I’ll start making them in June so I actually have some to list. Oh, wait, I’ll have a newborn then ~ who am I kidding?!

This week I received a very special package from the very special Manda. It was my first overseas package, and I probably stared at the envelope & its par avion royal mail stamps for a good five minutes before actually opening it. Honey even commented that I was just as intrigued by the packaging than its contents. He really does know me so well.

I wish I could show you what was inside the package, but I can’t. I received two items; one for myself and one for my mom, so if I show & tell, it will spoil the surprise. Upon receipt of my _________, I instantly felt as if I were now a part of a very special club: those who know & appreciate Manda McGrory and the wonderful things she creates. Really, I can’t say enough about her & how much I love her designs. She says she never uses a pattern, which is further proof of her creativity. Her color combinations are too pretty for words ~ oh, to have access to her fabric collection!

Okay, so don't judge me or think I'm totally weird, but I will forever associate the holidays with soap operas. That right, I said, soap operas. I think the reason being is because when I was on Christmas break in high school, I often spent my afternoons watching All my Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital. For many many years, we didn't have cable, and when you don't have cable, you get one fuzzy channel that is a combination of ABC and NBC. This meant that the only shows available to me were the soaps. The soaps were filled with pretty people, with perfect hair and perfect makeup, and they were always going to a holiday ball. And I (foolishly) wished I could be like them, with a perfectly scripted life. Now I know better, although I do sometimes wish I came with a script.

Throughout this post, I have included photos of some of my favorite Christmas ornaments. (I could do a separate post on just my ornaments, but I really don’t see that happening between now & Tuesday). My mom has purchased my brother & I an ornament every year since birth, although she says we’re too old now & has cut us off. I will speak on behalf of Bucky & I and say that while we may understand her sentiment, we most certainly do not think we are too old to receive our annual ornament from mom. Just throwing that out there, mom….:)

I usually purchase an ornament each year for Adam & I; something to symbolize our past year together. Last year was this house ornament because we bought our first house (insert “duh” here). And that reminds me, I haven’t bought our ornament for this year. Nothing terribly eventful has happened except for that I left my hellish, stress & anxiety inducing job for a one where I’m not treated like crap on a daily basis, and that I got knocked up. But since the baby won’t be born until next year, it doesn’t seem right to mark that event in this year. Do they make ornaments in the shape of a tiny little pregnancy test??

Happy Holidays, everyone! May all of your holiday wishes come true.

three little words that make me happy

White Christmas Forecasted.

festive doodles

Here is my darling Doodles, modeling a holiday apron made by the fabulous Jeanetta. It even has extra-long straps to accomodate my ever-growing waistline. I'm sure I enjoy wearing it more than he does. I believe he is saying ~ woman, what are you doing to me?!

And here he is with his Christmas blankie, a gift specially for Doodles from my in-laws. Adam says he looks "defeated" in this photo. Just look at those sad eyes! I don't know how you can be sad with a soft, red blankie, though!

As I'm sitting here giggling over these photos, Honey looked over my shoulder & said it's degrading to post a photo of Porter in an apron and asked if I could also post a photo with a toolbelt and a drill. Hmmmm.....

come on in!

I love the holidays. Am fanatical about them. I love that the lamp posts downtown are wrapped in lights and that my favorite shops put up Christmas trees. I even love the Christmas commercials on TV. I love satsuma oranges, and have eaten so many that underneath my thumbnail has turned orange. FYI, Porter also loves satsumas. The first time I gave him a piece of orange, and after he had pierced through the skin, he rubbed his head in it. Strangest thing I've ever seen that dog do. Even stranger than the time we took him to the beach & he tried to hunt & catch the fish rather than roll in the dead ones.

In our house, Christmas decorations go up Thanksgiving weekend because the way I look at it, if I'm going to put in that much effort to decorate my house, I want it up long enough to make it worthwhile. Not to mention the fact that it's all so pretty to look at. When I'm decorating or crafting, Adam asks me if I'm "doing Christmas". See, Honey knows it's a month-long event!

Adam was a trooper, and put up the outside lights ~ without my having to ask, even! We hang clear icicle lights, but I think I will have to be a copy-cat of our neighbors Nathan & Michelle and get the twinkling icicle lights from Home Depot for next year. Every fifth light twinkles, but it has a random twinkling afffect & looks so, so pretty.

Not like our next door neighbors, Crazy-Jane & Phil, who clearly need some lessons on how to hang lights. 1. Do not hang a strand of icicle lights, and then a string of regular lights. 2. The end connector piece ~ you know, the gap where there aren't any lights? ~ take the time to bundle them up & don't leave them stretched out so there's a gap between your icicle lights and the plain string of lights. Adam said Crazy-Jane must have been drinking again (or that her meds have kicked in) because when she came out to admire Phil's handywork, she exclaimed ~ Oh, Honey, those lights look beautiful! Now, ladies, you know we appreciate it when our husbands try to do something sweet for us, but wouldn't you pipe up if the lights looked awful, and trust me when I say Phil's looked awful?

Anyway, in year's past, I've been known to go a little nuts buying holiday decorations, but that was also when I was still establishing my collection. Now I've learned that there really is such a thing as TOO MUCH STUFF, and try to only buy one or two things at most. I'm trying to focus more on creating my holiday decorations rather than buying them, although this year I haven't done a lick of crafting aside from my Christmas cards. I also have to hold myself back from purchasing loads of holiday dishes. If I hosted an annual open house (we had a holiday party one year, and I'd love to make it annual thing), maybe I could rationalize multiple sets of dishes, but until that day I try to refrain.

Last year, I got this Charlie Brown tree from Urban Outfitters, which I absolutely love, and I found a use for all the tiny little gift boxes I'll never re-use, and the last scrap of gorgeous Christmas-toile wrapping paper. I also purchased this handpainted Noel sign. This year, I couldn't resist the adorable mittens hanging below. They almost look handcrafted, don't they?

My tastes have also changed somewhat over the years. As my mom mentioned, we usually receive a giant box of greenery from family in Oregon. I would use the leftover cedar & boxwood to lay over table tops, shelves, ledges; basically anything that would sit still got greenery. The look I was going for was organic, woodsy: picture a b & b in Vermont. While I've always loved antiques, I didn't necessarily go for vintagey decorations, and aside from my ornament collection from my mom, I would rather have had new than old decorations. Silly, I know. While I still love the woodsy look, I'm trying to incorporate more handmade & vintage items into my decorating.

Unfortunately, what this means is that I don't really have a set theme that is carried from room to room, and sometimes I wish I did. I have my Santa collection, my snowman collection, my Snow Baby snow globes the Nativity set my mom put out when I was growing up, Adam's nativity set, a garland I made of wooden ornaments from Adam's grandma, a couple of holiday-greetings banners inspired by the fabulously talented Jerusalem; all random things, but all things I love.

I love decorating the tree. We usually buy one, but will probably opt for the great, tree hunt once the baby gets older. After my brother & Michelle had got their tree, he asked me what kind we had got. I replied ~ a Grand Fir. He said they had gotten a Noble Fir, the "Cadilac of Christmas trees". I think I may have mentioned before that we're slightly competetive with one another.....

So, while my house may never grace the pages of a magazine, it says "home" to me, and in the end, that's all that matters. I like to think I have created a lovely & relaxing home for Adam & I, and for the May-Baby. Rily-cat likes it, anway.

meet Hunter James

welcome to the world, little nephew.

I'm an aunt!

And there's not much more to say than that :) Wendy, Michelle's mom was at the hospital visiting when they had brought in the doctor, and she just called my mom to let her know that baby was born & that he had all his fingers & toes. They hadn't even weighed him yet. Now I have to wait the excruciating hour & a half until I get off work until I can see the baby and give my brother a big hug. I don't think I can stand it.

going out of my mind

Michelle checked into the hospital last night in order to be induced into labor. Yesterday afternoon, after performing some tests & determining there was still plenty of amniotic fluid, the doctor wanted to induce anyway since she was nearing 2 weeks past her due date. They didn't administer the pitocin until this morning, and I've been so anxious all day. Everytime I think about what a huge thing this is ~ my little brother becoming father, I start tearing up. Who am I kidding? "Tearing up" is an understatement; I've been crying off & on all damn day! Plus, I feel so badly for Michelle & the pain she must be in. From what I understand, being induced is much more painful than regular labor, and with no breaks in between contractions. Again, just the thought of her being in that much pain makes me cry. I've known this day was coming for several months now, so I didn't expect all these emotions to sneak up on me and in such a overwhelming way. It's all just so much to comprehend. Oh, man, I'm going to be an absolute wreck when it's my turn!!

At any rate, I just heard from my mom, who said my brother had just called her to say that they were "calling in the doctor". I presume that means it's time to push, and I know even at this point, it can sometimes still take hours, but it's getting so close! The thought that any minute they could be holding their baby is just too incredible. And on that note, I'm going to click "publish" before I start to cry again.

another poll!

This is my living room. I've been desperate for a new coffee table for over a year now and even though I haven't been able to commit to one, I know it will be round. It used to be for purely asthetic reasons, but now it's also for safety! I can't be having all those sharp edges with a kid in the house, now can I?!

I had envisioned something like this little beauty, but after much thought, I'm just not sure it will go with my existing furniture. My couch & chair are in the beige/camel family, and my entertainment center is a cream/sagey green treatment. I love cottage style decorating & have been slowly moving towards that direction, but I also love a warm look, and I think it's tricky to achieve both.

My other dilemma with a pedestal table is that I'm used to having the underneath part of my coffee table. And where else would I put my many, many magazines? And when the baby comes, where will I put the basket of toys? On the flipside, maybe the pedestal without the underneath part might make my teeny tiny living room less crowded?

My other option is something like this. A nice wood table with an underneath part to collect all my crap. It's a little rustic, which is also appealing to my I-want-to-live-in-a-farmhouse-in-Vermont side.

So these are my two options, and I need you lovely ladies to help me decide! One, two, three, go!

weekend getaway

Adam & I spent last weekend in Anchorage, which is north of Juneau, but I believe it is considered “south central” Alaska. At a population of approximately 279,000, it is by far the most populated city in the state. (Compare to Juneau with a population of about 35,000).

Friday night we had an early dinner at a restaurant near our hotel called the Glacier Brewhouse. They had several IPAs on tap, (Adam’s favorite beer) so he was thrilled. For a moment, I thought maybe I ought to leave he & the waiter alone to discuss the virtures of the perfect IPA. The meal itself was so not worth the $75 tab, but I figured ~ what the hell, we're on vacation. I even commented to Adam that baby-brain hadn't totally kicked in, as I was still able to calculate the tip. Leaving the correct amount of money, however, was another matter. Instead of pulling out 4 twenties and a ten, I only left 3 twenties and a ten, causing the waiter to chase us down the street to collect the rest of his money. Whoops. We stayed in the rest of the night & watched Oceans 13 on pay-per-view, which was a good movie, but we did have a hard time following it. FYI, if you ever watch Oceans 13, pay very close attention in the beginning or you’ll be lost for the rest of the movie.

We stayed in bed pretty much all day Saturday, which was really, really nice. The anxiety of everything I should be doing while I was lounging in bed would prevent me from ever doing that at home. Whatever happened to the good ‘ol days with nothing but pure relaxation & lounging about watching sappy movies on the Lifetime Network? Responsibility, that’s what. And sometimes it really stinks.

We did eventually leave our hotel room to walk down to the 5th Avenue Mall, which normally would have been heaven. You ladies in the lower 48 probably don’t understand what a thrill it can be to be in a MALL. Where they have clothes. That you can TRY ON before buying them. In Juneau, we rely heavily on internet shopping & then have to deal with the hassle of returns when things don’t fit.

Sadly, that particular Gap didn't carry maternity clothes, so my only option was the Motherhood Maternity store. It was strategically placed next to the kid's clothing stores, like they purposefully put us as far away as possible from all the "hip" shops. Hmmph is what I have to say to that! The only thing I bought was a pair of jeans and some new “maternity” bikini underwear, as mine are getting awfully tight in the hips. (By the way, when I got my new underwear home & opened up the package & saw how big they were, I thought there was no possible way those were going to fit me. Imagine my horror when they did! Yet another shocking pregnancy moment) Anyway, after being thwarted & obviously not cool enough to shop in this mall, I wasn't really in the mood for shopping. Not even the sight of the Coach store could cheer me up. Honey was a trooper, though, and didn’t complain once about being dragged around from shop to shop. So, it was back to the hotel for another nap before my holiday party.


The holiday party? Not so much fun when you only know 5 out of 67 people, and you can't even have a glass of wine. All the ladies were in gorgeous party dresses. In nice pants & a top, I just felt like I looked fat & not pregnant. Even Honey in his suit was dressier than me! Don’t we look cute in this photo, though? (taken in our hotel room after the party, using the camera’s timer) Oh, and the gift I won at the exchange? A gift set of Crown Royal, complete with tacky etched glasses. I would have traded for something else, but I figured if I kept the Crown, at least that would save us some cash at our next trip to Costco. We left pretty much right after the gift exchange, and I think we were asleep by 10:00 or 10:30 at the very latest, once again proving how very uncool I am.

Sunday we rented a car & drove south to Girdwood and the Alyeska resort, and a bit further south to Portage Glacier. You can't actually drive to the glacier like you can at the Mendenhall here in Juneau, but it was gorgeous scenery just the same. The mountains dwarf ours; it would be like having the Chilkats in our backyard. I realize this doesn’t mean much to anyone who hasn’t been to Juneau or seen the Chilkats, but they are a large mountain range waaaaay off in the distance.



We had dinner with our friends Sherrie & Ryan; glacier guides that used to come down for the summers & work at Temsco with Adam. They took us to one of their favorite spots, the Moose’s Tooth, which was on Carrie’s restaurant recommendations in the comments a couple posts back. The pizza was de-lish, as were our side salads. And at $49 for dinner for 4, it was much better priced than the Glacier Brewhouse!

We arrived back at Thrify Car Rental just as the girl was closing up shop. Adam & I both swear that the sign on the door said they closed at 8:00, not 6:00, but whatever. About one second before I was about to totally lose it, she said we could just return the car at the airport, and luckily the airport was easy to get to from where we were. I was worried we were cutting our time short, but by the time we checked in, we had nearly 45 minutes before boarding. I've gotten very anxious about flying & having enough time at the airport in my old age. I used to be the queen of getting there “just in time” & was perfectly okay with it, but now I need to be there in plenty of time “just in case”.

My friend & former co-worker Mikaela was on our flight, with her one-year old Elijah. While we were chatting on the plane as people were boarding, Elijah reached out for me to hold him, and then proceeded to snuggle into my chest. Talk about cute! Mikaela used to bring him into work, but I haven’t seen him for a couple of months so I was surprised that I was still familiar to him. Or maybe he’d also reach out to a total stranger.

We arrived back in Juneau to the bitter cold, and trust me, it’s no easier for us to handle than it would be for you Southerners! It's always good to come home, but even nicer when your mom brings you over leftovers & fruit because she knew you wouldn't have any food in the house!

After spending the weekend at my mom & Mike’s house, Porter seemed very relieved to be back home, and equally relieved that Adam & I hadn't abandoned him. He smothered us with kisses in the car ride home, but once home, he crashed out like he hadn't had a good night's sleep in days. It was as though he could finally relax ~ his people were home, he had his chair to curl up in, and life was good. Don’t get me wrong, he adores going to my mom & Mike’s and loves to play with their dog Sadie, but there always comes that time in the day where he's ready to be home. Just like his mama.

why Doodles doesn't get a walk tonight

I know, I know, I live in Alaska, right? But this sort of crazy-low temperature is not normal for Juneau. Add to that 60 mph winds, and Doodles can just forget about getting a walk tonight.

holiday poll

I've started writing a post all about the wonder that is the Christmas season, but for now, I'm just going to post this little poll: I'm curious what are your favorite holiday movies & albums. Every year, I try to purchase a new movie or two, and perhaps a new cd, but I'm running out of options! I've got all the old standbys, & am starting to branch out into some random titles.

Some of my favorite holiday movies aren't necessarily "Christmas" movies, but may just be set around the holiday, like The Family Stone. Now, if you have not see this movie, I insist that you do. I love it more & more each time I watch it. I don't think I own another movie that evokes so many emotions. I started out hating Diane Keaton (like it's even possible to hate Diane Keaton!), to realizing she just loves her kids with all her heart, and that sometimes parents really do know best. Okay, I'm not going to say anymore; you just have to see it for yourself.

Also in my collection is A Christmas Story, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, which I usually watch at least one other time throughout the year, It's a Wonderful Life, The Holiday and a couple other random movies that I've bought from Amazon but can't remember their titles. I also love Home Alone, which I don't own, and I'm sure I have others but am drawing a complete blank.

What are your favorite movies? Maybe they're just movies you associate with the holiday season, like Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail?

And the holiday music ~ the stuff that makes me happy just thinking about it! At the top of my list are Harry Connick's two albums, but my favorite is When my Heart Finds Christmas. Putting aside that it's Harry Connick & he's just plain dreamy, that album has both an orchestral & a jazzy quality that I love. The best song is I Pray on Christmas, which to listen to properly, must be turned up very loud. There are certain songs that move me to tears or produce goosebumps, and this is one of those songs. It makes me rethink my attitude about Christmas & life in general whenever I hear it. When Adam reads this, he's going to think I'm nuts, but I don't care.

I also love Christmas with the Rat Pack, the Time Life Treasury Collection, Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Trans Siberian Orchestra, Manheim Steamroller, and one of my new favorites is Ray Charles' Christmas album. (most of these have been purchased on Amazon) The Ray Charles album has the song that plays in the part in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation when Clark gets stuck in the attic & is watching old family movies ~ you know that part? And it also has the version of (I think it was) Jingle Bells from When Harry Met Sally, where Sally is trying to pick out a Christmas tree and Harry watches on in frustration. (PS, that would be the equivalent of me trying to pick out just the right tree while Adam is hoping that this one is the right one, and we won't have to make another trek up & down the isles of trees) Anyway, I know I have other Christmas albums but since I don't have them in front of me, I can't list them all.

I'd love to hear what your favorites; the things that you can't go without watching every year, or the album you look forward to listening to first. And by the way, am I the only one who loves the "24 hours of a Christmas Story" that they play on TV every year?

8 random things about me

My mom tagged me to write 8 random things about me so here goes!

1. I like to put chips in my sandwiches. Not sure when it first seemed like a good idea, but it's something I never really outgrew. The weirdest thing I used to eat as a kid? Boloney & sugar. How gross is that?!

2. I must have the shower curtain closed, as well as all drawers & the hall closet doors. I know this isn't really so odd, except that when you have a husband who is constantly leaving drawers open, it's an ongoing battle. What bugs me the most is the shower curtain, though. If I don't close it right away, I can feel that open space just staring at me.

3. Except for driving through Canada on two seperate road trips to the lower 48, I've never left the country. No Mexico for spring break, no romantic trips to Europe with Honey. Someday.....
Oh wait! I just remembered! We went to Nassau in the Bahamas for our honeymoon! I didn't need a passport ~ does that technically count?

4. I love, love, love Audrey Hepburn. I can still remember the first time I watched Breakfast at Tiffanys, and how much in awe I was of her beauty & grace. I think that she was a kind person in real life solidifed how much I adored her. I think I've seen most everything she's been in, but Breakfast will always remain my favorite. Honey bought me "How to be Lovely" last year for Christmas; we could all learn a thing or two from Miss Hepburn.

5. I am very competetive, but hate sports. Bucky teases me about how pissed off I get when he plays dirty at Uno. I know, I know, you're supposed to play all those nasty Reverse & Draw 4 cards, but I can't help taking it personally!

6. I am both a planner & a procrastinator. How is that possible, you ask? I make lists. Lots & lots of lists, and I plan ahead for things that I know have deadlines. And yet, I'm still always waiting until the last minute to finish them. Even in college, I was forever writing my papers up the last possible moment. There's just always so much to do and never enough time, you know?

7. I'm not quite as picky about how things go into the grocery cart (although I do start at the back & work forward for obvious reasons) but I HAVE to place my items on the conveyor belt according to type. Fruit & vegetables, frozen, cold-case, canned or boxed, meats, personal hygiene, miscellaneous. My reason for this is that the baggers generally don't know how to bag my groceries properly. They'll toss canned green beans right on top of my caged-free eggs! Or ground beef on top of apples! So, I try to help them out & make it fool-proof. It helps my anxiety by not feeling the need to correct them. It's really a good system! Even better? Honey has now adopted my system and will also group our groceries on the conveyer belt. I am a proud wife.

8. I hope that our baby gets Adam's sense of balance & coordination. Physically, he's good at everything, and I am, arguably, the most uncoordinated person on the planet. I've never been comfortable in my own body, and I will never be one of those willowy women who saunter down the sidewalk while men look on. Actually, you can generally see me staring at the sidewalk so as to not trip on a crack or step in dog-poo. Classy, huh?

So that's it. Eight things you didn't know about me.

Adam & I are heading north to Anchorage this weekend for my office's holiday party. The company pays for airfare & one night at the hotel, so we just have to pay for the second night & we get ourselves a mini vacation! I've not been to Anchorage in years, and Adam's never been. I believe our hotel is right downtown, so we'll be able to walk to restaurants & shopping. Or maybe we'll be taking taxis: I checked the weather forecast this morning and the high temp is forecasted to be around 26 degrees with lows in the teens. Brrrrr.

Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving :)

sometimes, I'm just that stupid

A few months back, my bathtub drain was clogged. The problem was quickly resolved with a bottle of Drano. Within that same week, we gave Porter a bath, which is an entirely different, and much more amusing story, and my bathtub drain became clogged once again. Ever since, I have been calf-deep in bath water everytime I take a shower. Forget about taking a long, leisurely shower on the weekends, because my bathtub would have overflowed. I have spent close to $50 on various drain-unclogging products, all to no avail.

This weekend, Honey went into the crawl-space to take apart the pipes and remove the source of the problem. I just hoped he wasn't going to show me whatever he found. He came back from under the house only to announce that the plastic pvc piping was glued tight. Having to hire a plumber simply to unclog a drain was so not on my list of things to do. My anxiety level was already running high because I had finally gotten the last of the body work done on my car from my accident last spring and my car was still making noises it ought not be making. These are things that Tracy-on-Zoloft could handle. Tracy without Zoloft, not so much. I don't do well with things like this ~ multiple things happening at once, things that are out of my control although easily solved with a simple phonecall to a professional. They just seem so out of my reach, you know? I'd rather curl up in my chair and not attempt to find a solution.

Honey, on the other hand, in a uncharacteristic moment (he usually gives up, too), took the one wire hangar I had; one from the dry cleaners with the felt covering it to protect our fine garments, and shoved it down the bathtub drain to loosen the massive hair glob. Except that he couldn't. The hanger would only go so far before it stopped against something metallic. It was at this point that he called me into the bathroom.

Honey, have you tried putting the drain stopper down?

Of course, I'm thinking, no, I did not try putting the drain stopper down. I was so stunned at my stupidity, however, I literally couldn't say anything. I could have been stubborn, I could have been indignant & said I never put the drain stopper up, because I hadn't. Instead, I just stood there & grinned like an idiot. And was thankful as hell we hadn't gone through the humiliation of calling a plumber.

More importantly, I love that Honey can still surprise me. Yes, it was a simple fix, but like I said, he normally would have given up, too. It's like now that I'm unable to deal with certain things, he has realized that we have to have at least one person our household that can cope, and for that I'm very appreciative.

Oh, let's see....what's been going on.....

Friday night Honey & I attended a banquet & auction for S.A.I.L., a non-profit providing assistance for people with disabilities. I used to work for them & still volunteer for occasionally at their fundraising events. Anyway, I had a couple dresses that were a little too big that I thought I would have no trouble fitting into. HA! Shocking that I was surprised that an extra 15 pounds makes that big of a difference, isn't it? Ummm, yeah....

So I squeezed into the lesser of the tighter two dresses, and with my favorite black sweater from Anthropologie, it didn't look too bad. Plus, have I mentioned (this week) that I have cleavage now?

We arrived at the banquet, were shown to our table, sat & visited with some friends for a minute, and since we arrived 30 minutes late, we got there just in time for dinner being served. Being pregnant & starving, I waited only an obligatory minute or so before we made our way to the fast-forming buffet line. And here's where I experienced another pregnancy-first: when I stood up, my tights rolled down my belly like a little old lady with knee-high stockings rolled down at the top, you know?

I'm sure there will be many more pregnancy-firsts, but this one took me by surprise.

And here's your token cute-pet photo. Adam fell asleep on the couch Sunday night with the cats. That would be Riley-cat on Adam's belly, and the fat, black blob on the cushion is Mendy. Porter couldn't leave them be & had to come for some kitty-lovin'. He was actually being quite gentle with Riley. He so wants to play with the cats but hasn't figured out that he's too big & obnoxious for that to happen. They just look at him like, DUDE, what are you thinking?? We're small!!

I've been crafting a bit, but not nearly as much as I'd like. There's never enough time in the day, is there? This notebook was a custom order for my mom, and I just love the retro holiday paper. I wish I had bought more than 4 sheets of it. I think this is one of my favorite creations; there's nothing about it that I don't like. Usually I can pick apart my designs & find a flaw or two, but not with this one! I love that I finally used the tiny holly leaf buttons that I've had for a few years now. I'm trying really hard to be good & not buy loads of crafting supplies until I start using up what I have, but with so many cute things out there, it's not always easy! Please tell me I'm not alone in rationalizing not-necessary craft purchases.

Lastly, I've got a question for all the mamas out there. Next week, Honey & I have our next OB appointment. It's the one where they'd do the genetic testing, if we were inclined to do so. My feelings are to pass on the testing, that I have enough to worry about as it is without worrying about false-positives. I'd much prefer to go on believing my baby is perfectly healthy. Honey wants to do the testing because he used to work with disabled youths, and if our baby has anything wrong (I hate to even use that word) with it, he wants to know so we can be prepared. My mom has a cousin who has an autistic son, and that's the closest relative I have with any form of disabilities, mental or physically. Our doctor said that's far enough away from me that we don't really have anything to worry about. She said they also test for spina bifida, but I've been taking prenatal vitamins with folic acid since before I got pregnant, and I know that's supposed to be a big factor in preventing that.

So, I'm curious what your thoughts are. Did you have the testing done? Did any of you have false positives? Did you & your spouses disagree on whether or not to do the testing? Adam said if I don't want to have it done, we won't have it done, but I'm still considering it for his sake. I just really don't want to spend the next 6 months worrying about something else, you know?

what's grosser than gross? this story. do not read if you're squeamish.

Saturday afternoon Adam took Porter on a walk before we went to dinner at my brother & Michelle's house. (This is not a cute story, so today he's "Porter", not "Doodles") When he got back home, he told me all about how Porter had found, and subsequently ate a dead bird. Since it was already dark out, Adam had no idea what he was in for when he tried to fish out of Porter's mouth whatever it was that Porter was eating. Even though he realized there were feathers dangling from Porter's mouth, he furthered tried to retrieve the dead bird from his jaws, because "he had already touched it at that point". EWWWWW! He finally gave up and Porter gulped it down.

But wait, it gets grosser than that.

Later, at Bucky & Michelle's house, Porter started to make pre-vomiting noises, and if any of you have pets, you know exactly what that sound is. Unfortunately, I had forgotten all about the dead-bird incident, so after Porter vomited, and I very foolishly looked over to see how bad it was, I saw a lump of brownish-black muck. Yes, Porter had vomited up his dead bird.

Michelle went running out of the room, I wasn't about to help Honey clean up that mess, and I think even Bucky had to leave the room, too. Now, I'm not overly squeamish, but I cannot deal with a dead bird and then the dead bird's return.

This morning, after I had forgotten all about the disgusting incident, Adam brought it up out of the blue. He shook his head in dismay and said ~ I can't believe you all are about to have children. Like he's not. Bucky & Michelle, by the way are due November 26th. I had to remind Honey that there is a difference between poopy diapers & baby spit-up and dead birds, and cleaning up dead bird vomit is where I draw the line.

I told you Porter would eat anything.

two totally random shots

One day ages ago, when Porter still drank from his puppy water bowl & not from the toilet where he leaves drippings on the toilet seat for me to sit on when I go pee for the hundredth time that day (and before I painted all of our trim white), I noticed something floating in Porter's water dish and HORROR! It appeared as though we had not only developed a mouse problem, but we had a mouse suicide on our hands. But wait! It was just one of Riley-cat or Mendy's toys, and it went from THE WORST THING EVER to being really quite funny. And you know I had to take a picture of it.

This photo of Honey & I at our friend Brady & Colleen's wedding last June is here for purely vain purposes.

I'm feeling pale & frumpy & hate hate hate my current haircut, and don't we look cute & happy in this photo? So relaxed.

I am definitely growing my hair back out.

doodles will eat anything

So in the spirit of getting back to blogging, which really is quite therapeutic for me, I'm going to try to post a little something everyday ~ even if it's just a photo. Or at the very least, I will try not post once a month :) My apologies in advance for those of you who don't think Doodles is as adorable as I do. Honey says it's the ears, but I think it's all in the eyes.

We have learned that Doodles will eat just about anything. Once he was begging for my mexican food, so I gave him a taste of salsa. He didn't care for it, but it also didn't teach him to not beg. Earlier in my pregnancy, I was having lemon cravings; couldn't get enough of lemons. One night, I even spent a ridiculous amount of money on fresh lemons to make lemonade. Lemonade that I had to hand-squeeze because I don't own a juicer but I HAD to have fresh squeezed lemonade. FYI, Doodles doesn't care for lemons, but man, was the look on his face priceless!

He does love fruit, though. Apples, which you can see him eating here, nectarines, peaches, satsuma oranges. We never ever feed him from the dinner table because that will only make the begging worse. It's bad enough that he rests his cute little head on the table & watches as we eat, his eyebrows raised & his sad eyes moving back & forth between Honey & I.

I gave him a Sweetart from leftover Halloween candy, and he loved that. Oh, and he used to eat his own poo when he was a puppy, but thank goodness he outgrew that. And he used to eat "almond roca" from the kitty litter, also when he was a tiny puppy. Magically, after we had him neutered, the poo-eating behavior stopped. Has anyone else experienced that?

Since I started my new job, the only thing I really miss about my old job is that I can't take Doodles to work with me. There is a dog in the office next door and he sometimes wanders in, which makes me happy but also makes me miss Doodles a little more. Instead, he gets to have fun at my mom & Mike's, aka Doggie Day Care, where he gets to play all day with their dog Sadie & my brother's dog Kona, who also goes to Doggie Day Care. I'm sure Doodles would be just fine if we left him home during the day, but he'd be bored out of his mind. As long as he behaves himself at my mom's & learns to not jump & down on their couch (I don't know where this behavior comes from!), I hope mom & Mike will continue to let him come over to play.

still here

Hello, my dear internet friends. Honey googled me one day & finally found my blog. He reminded me that I haven't written since the 4th of October. He also said good job for not trashing him on the internet, and that in the future when I'm pissed at him, I should read my blog since I portray him in such good light. Indeed, Honey has been a prince during these last 2 months of hormone hell. At any rate, not only have I not written for at least a month, but I haven't even been reading about what all you fabulous people have been up to. I'm sure you've been creating your hearts out, have been preparing for the holiday season, and have dressed your kids up as various animals and cartoon characters. I'm sure one day soon, once I've closed a few loops (that was for Jerusalem's benefit), I'll sit & read for hours & smile at your lovely lives.

Anyway, catching up starting backwards, today we had our first snowfall of the sesaon. Normally, the first snowfall is mixed rain & snow, and lasts a very short while. But today it snowed all day, accumulating about 4 inches at our house. Doodles was pleased.

I also got my first issue of Victoria ~ horray! Well, not my first issue, of course, but you know what I mean. AND, Honey got his drivers license today! Yes, my 26 year old husband finally is licensed to drive. After moving here from California in 1999, he lived downtown & worked downtown. We have the same work schedule, so when we bought our house in the "valley", we drove into town together. And even though we don't talk much during our 15-20 minute commute (ha!), other than the occasional commentary on an NPR news tidbit, I really love that we have that time together. Anyway, Honey still maintains he does not want his license & that he only got it because I got pregnant & he had to. I don't care ~ he got his license, and you have no idea how big of a milestone this is in our lives. There are countless people who have hounded him on my behalf for years, and even though he says he's not happy he got his license, he was thinking of who he should call to tell. How cute is that?!

Weekend before last, I went to Seattle for a few days to see my girl Tanya. I was in such a bad state of mind that she & my sweet mama bought me a plane ticket to get the hell out of here & escape my life for a few days. Tanya & I stayed in a fancy hotel downtown, I got my haircut which I unforunately hate, I bought maternity clothes courtesy of my Aunt Georgia, ate orange beef at my most favorite Seattle restaurant, Shanghai Garden, had a really nice visit with Aunt Georgia, my cousin Tony, his wife Lisa & their precious little baby Lucas, and went to a spa. If you find yourself in Seattle, I highly recommend a day at Ummelina's. The smells alone are worth it. Mmmm, lavender....

We got manicures & massages, and while we waited for our treatments, we got a foot soak. The manicure was like a massage in itself. I was lying down, & before actually doing my nails, she massaged my arms & hands. I slipped into a relaxed state of being that rarely happens. Even my massage, as lovely as it was, wasn't as relaxing as my manicure.

I'm now at about 13 weeks, 14 weeks if you go by my date of conception & not by the ultrasound measurements. This photo is at 11 (12) weeks. I've been taking self-portraits, so I'm a little twisted. My belly has grown considerably, especially after a big dinner. It actually looks small to me in this photo. I still fight the urge to suck it in, but mostly I'm like, why bother? I had been squishing myself into jeans that I could barely squish myself into, fastening them closed with a rubberband. Honey would say to me, ummm, your zipper's down. I would respond with MY ZIPPER DOESN'T GO UP ANY FARTHER! It felt really comfortable to finally have some maternity jeans & let it all hang out.

More importantly, my hormones have finally leveled out. And can I just say, THANK GOD. The past two months I've been in the worst kind of hell. I was so completely miserable and I honestly didn't think I would survive my pregnancy. I have decided that if I'm on anti-anxiety/depression meds again, and if we ever get pregnant again, I cannot go off them until the 2nd trimester. I am not equipped to handle the hormonal changes, and it's not fair to Honey to put him through that again, either. The weird thing is, even though this was all in the very recent past, it's hard to remember just how badly I felt. And there really aren't words, anyway. I'm thankful now that I can start to enjoy my pregnancy, whereas as recently as 3 weeks ago, it was merely something that was destroying my life & my sanity. At the time, the only positive I could think of was that I had cleavage for the first time in my life. It pained me that I was so unhappy about what was supposed to be the most beautiful thing I'd ever experience. And even worse, there was a teensy part of me that didn't want to be pregnant & knowing that if I did miscarry, I'd never have the strength to do this again. Intellectually, I knew I was incredibly lucky to be pregnant, especially when there are so many women who are desperate for a child & can't conceive. I would see a husband & wife with a baby & I'd know I wanted that, & that's what got me through the craziness. That and my amazing husband, family & friends. Now, I know I'll be okay.

My other huge news is that I finally quit my job! I had interviewed with, and subsequently received a job offer from a CPA firm & started work November 1st. While my anxiety hasn't completely subsided, it's really nice to go to work & know that I will be treated with respect. My previous boss was so demotivating that my work had begun to suffer for it, which wasn't fair to myself or to my boss. I don't believe I performed badly on purpose; I still did good work, just not great work & I was certainly not working to my full potential. I had long since given up trying to make any changes for the better. It was a big job for one person, and truthfully, a lot for me to keep track of & to keep on top of everything all the time. It didn't help that my boss would want to change things around, requiring me to re-do 9 months of inventory adjustments. With that kind of mentality, I know I should have quit a long time ago, but fear of working somewhere even worse (and the fact that I was well-paid) kept me there for far too long. But, I'm gone now & I can't help but wonder what the hell took me so long.

Well, we did indeed have a bear in our neighborhood....can you see her? I didn't crop or zoom because I wanted you to see just how close this little cutie was. I was across the street, and the bear was at the end of the very short cul-de-sac. All in all, pretty damn close. This time of year they lurk around neighborhoods in search of food, and have even been known to come inside of apartment buildings & homes. Bet you're not used to hearing that on your morning news!

Lastly, I leave you with some photos of beautiful Juneau & the Mendenhall Glacier. This, this beauty is the reason why I continue to live here, where we get 180 inches of rain a year.

Doodles gets so freakin' happy when we take him to the Glacier, he can hardly contain himself. I swear, as he's running around the lake & through the shrubbery, he gets a look on his face that can only say ~ They really do love me! Oddly, that dog will avoid a muddle **edited ** MUD PUDDLE! like the plague, but give him a glacial lake, and he's all over it.